Fog Descending

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself. The person I thought I was has vanished. I no longer have the same feelings. I no longer have the same thoughts. I fall into an ocean of intellectual fog.  My mind wanders… just as the sound of the wolves howling outside my room. Hard rock suddenly makes perfet sense.

Can you tell me what is real? Cause I’ve lost my way again.

Can you tell me how to feel? Cause I don’t feel anything, now that I’m down here again… down with the fallen.

Many people tell me I’m special. That somehow this fog is something that the most intelligent people deal with. Is it really? Are these mental chains draped across my mind sokething that means I’m smart? Cause it doen’t feel that way.

I wander through the hallways of my life. Searching for a lost idea of who I could have been; of who I will be, and of who I am now. It doesn’t like me. I hear echos of it walking through my mind, like a great beast lurking… waiting for an unsuspecting eye to be cast upon it before it pounces and floods through my soul. Before it tears me. Makes me bleed. Brings out who I really am; the person who lies miles below my face.

Take away everything I am. I want to be me.

Who is this? It’s me. I. The one I truely am… searching through the halls of my being for the visage who pretends to be me for the benefit of others.

Save me, before I become my demons. Before that which I hate in others becomes who I am. Let me go. Let me soar up through the levels of my intellect, and see all that I am, all that I will be. Transform who I am into someone who is great. Who sees the unseen. Who knows the hidden.

“If you want to break free… you know where to find me.” Thus he says. Once again, I return to my wanderings. Ever searching for the voice who roams my mind… often tearing pieces of it apart.

I sometimes don’t recognize who I am… and it scares me.

Good thing she recognizes me no matter what form I take.





Crossing the River

Since last summer, I have been blessed with the perfect job. It pays well, I get a good tan, I teach kids about the environment, and I get to be outside. I work about 20 minutes from my parents house in Ohio at Recreation Unlimited, a camp for kids and adults with physical and/or mental disabilities. Often those two come together. I am a camp counselor.

The story of how I wound up at RU is rather interesting. First of, I’m a bio major, with hopes of getting into field research. I have no connection or career aspirations in summer camp experiences or special education. I was driving down the highway on time and noticed the green sign marking where to turn for the camp. Curious, I later Googled it and found out the true nature of the camp. As I was looking for a job between my senior year of high school and freshman year of college I decided it would be a good experience to try RU out… and I’ve never regretted it.

My first summer I spent as a counnselor, taking care of campers, seeing them daily struggle with the most basic tasks, and daily overcome huge obstacles like our 50 foot climbing tower, canoes, arts and crafts, and crawdad fishing. These kids and adults are the hapiest people I’ve ever met, and they face so many challenges; and yet we have all our bodily functions, and are always looking for the next thing, always discontent.

Not only have I had the opportunity to work with people with challenges, I can also work with young boys and girls. Just this past week, I was leading some team building activities for a group of typical, local 6th graders. It was absolutely amazing to see the group dynamics each time we started a new session. There were always a couple kids who were really rambunctious and unfocused, but as the activities progressed, there emerged clear leaders, and those who were more task oriented than the others. Often we would present “challenges” to these individuals, taking away talking abilities, or blindfolding them. New leaders would step up; many were not those I would have thought.

One of the most interesting actions this week that I witnessed was during an activity that required campers to cross a “river” using only “logs” (carpet pads). As everyone was crossing, several of the quieter kids found themselves left in the back of the group. One could not talk, the other two could not see. The boy who could not talk was standing at difficult angles in between the two blinded kids, guiding their feet one by one, helping them cross the “river” safely.

It caused me to stop and think. What is it in some kids that perpetuate a care for others who are less fortunate? Why is it that kid decided to help his friends, even though it was difficult and easier for him just to save himself?

What in my life needs to change so that I can be like that young man who cared for his friends enough to overlook his own “disability” and help his classmates.

The job I have has allow me to see people in relatively pure environments; free of outside cares. It is there true character exposes itself. God bless this young man’s life, and may he not live in oblivion of others and thier lives as so many of the human race has done.









Ethics Makes the World Go Round


Ethics class is always fun. If you consider mind contortions fun. I think my professor enjoys confusing the crap out of us, and gets a high off of watching us labor in our uncomfortable desks.

Day 1 of class:


A trolley is driving down the middle of the city, and comes to a Y in the track. If you continue to the right, you will kill five track workers.

Oh boy, not a good idea.

But, if you go to the left, you will run over your own mother.

You have no option to stop the trolley, the brakes are out, and you are on a slight decline.

It’s either your mother, or five strangers.

Of course, most of us would choose the five track workers being sent into oblivion. Me and my classmates chose that hands down.

But there’s one other option.

You have the option to push a fat man in front of the trolley, kill him, and save the other six people. He has no family who would mourn for him. No friends. Forget the fat man cliche, we  both know that we subconciously think less of him. What would you do?

Yep that was the entire discusion for day 1… And by the end we were looking like the dude at the top of the article.

Our professor never told us anything; he made us think for ourselves.

At the bottom of everything is an ethical choice. Why do we choose what we choose? Why do we have the job we have? Sounds dismal I know. But up until now we’ve bee making ethical decisions without even thinking, why should it be any different right now? How many times do we drive by a homeless person on a interstate ramp with an “out of work” sign, and write them off as unfortunate only because of their own life choices?

What about using unwanted children for organs?

What about using undeveloped children for testing new drugs on humans?

Is government support of those unwilling to get jobs ethical?

Anyway, these are a few examples of ethical issues we are faced with this day in age…

One of the characteristics that distinguishes humans from the rest of the animal kingdom is our capacity to reason, and to decide between what we think is right and wrong, so let’s use it!

Okay, ethics really doesn’t make the world go round… but it’s still prsent in every part of the world that is turning round… whatever that means…